Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
