When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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