You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
