i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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