My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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