even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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