the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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