Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
