sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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