and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
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