I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
