Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
