We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize