i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize