Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
