They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
