So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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