I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
