If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
