The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
