Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
this just has baby written all over it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
