I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
