tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
