I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
