Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
