I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
