I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
