yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
