After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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