Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
