So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
