I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
