But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
