I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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