RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
