It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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