tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
