I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
