Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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