is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
