what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize