I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
