if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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