she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
