What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
