I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
