two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
