I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
