I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
