I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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