Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
