I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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