there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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