Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
