Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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