In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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