He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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