Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
