Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
