I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
